COULD THEY EVER, COULD THEY EVER, EXPECT SUCH A FRANKENSTEIN....FRANKENSTEIN?

I'm Sure 'Frankenstein' By The New York Dolls Isn't Actually About Frankenstein, But Fuck It, It's The Raddest Song I Could Find That Had Anything To Do With Halloween.

HALLOWEEN.
Or, In Keeping With My Bastardisation Of Holiday Names, 'Hal-entine's Day.'
'Valloween' Fits Better, But 'Hal-entine's Day' Sounds A Bit Like Halitosis, Which I Like A Lot.
Not Halitosis, The Fact That It Sounds Like It.

It's Definitely My Favourite Time Of Year.
You Get To Dress Up As Someone Else, Which Is Obviously Wicked - I Never Really Like How I Look When I'm Myself. It's The Same Reason I Think My Goal In Life Is To Bring Glam Rock Into The 21st Century.
Glam Rockers Nowadays Are The Same As They Were In The 70s, And That's Embarrassing.
Update It With Coloured Skinnies, Ripped Ironic Women's Shirts And Shitloads Of Make-Up.
Glam Shouldn't Be Trying To Shock In A 'I Look Like A Tit' Way, It Should Have An Air Of 'I Look Like This, But I'll Still Fucking Eat You' To It.

BUT ANYWAY.
I Also Like That You Get To Be A Wanker To Strangers And They Can't Really Do Anything About It.

Last Night Was So Hilarious.
Me (Alex From 'A Clockwork Orange'), Jonny (Realistic Representation Of A Vampire) And Harriet (Zombie) All Got The Train To Southampton For Sam's Birthday/Halloween Party.
On The Train There Were These Six Dudes Dressed As Really Accurate Zombies.
They Were Hilarious, They Didn't Give Up The Act Ever.
However, Another Human We Encountered Was Less Funny.
He'd Come As A Ticket Skiving Coke Addict.
At Least, I Hope It Was A Costume.
He Came Up To Us And Was Like 'Oi Do You Know This Guy _______?'
'Nah Mate, Why?'
My Mate Killed Him In One Punch.'
What Does He Want Us To Say To That?
'Wow, Your Mate Must Be Really Tough And Intelligent, To Kill A Man...'
We Stayed Silent - You Could See The Coke On The Outside Of His Nose, And There Was A Lot Of It.

He Continued:
'Yeah Man, I've Been To Prison. But When I Go To Prison, I Don't Go To Jail, If You Know What I Mean?'

PRISON AND JAIL ARE ONE AND THE SAME.
Fucking Knobhead.

We All Just Nodded Along, And Then He Asked Harriet If She Thought He Had A Nice Body.
Ridiculous.
Then We Got More Really Fucking Afraid, And He Left.
This Guy Ahead Of Us In The Carriage Went 'Fucking Hell, That Was Intense. I Don't Know How I Feel About That!'
Just Watching The Coke Addict Had Made Me Tired, So Fuck Knows How He Felt.
He Was The Sportacus (A La 'Lazytown') Of Dorset, I'd Say.

We Got To Southampton After Quite A While.

Chris And Jo Picked Us Up Which Was Rad.

When We Got There The Place Was BUMPING.
All The Kids From Back Home Were There - I've Missed The Sherlip Bwois, To Say The Least.
They Asked How Uni Was And How Money Was, And I Told Them That I've Got So Much Money In Comparison To My Housemates. I Was Drunk At This Point, So Don't Hold This Against Me:

'So, Are They Actually Struggling To Buy Food?'
'Yeah Man, It's Hilarious, They're All 'Can I Borrow A Potato?' And I'm Like 'Go For It, I've Got A Fuckload...I Mean, I Bought A CD Dude.'

I Don't Know Why I Said The CD Thing, But I Think That It's Cos Poor People Can't Afford Culture, And I Can.

We Drank And Smoked (And Scratched All Night, It's A Curious Thing, Such A Perfect Dream....) A Lot, And Then Started Pranks.
We Got This Manakin Head, That I Think Is Meant For Hairdressers Or Something.
But We've Shaved It In The Past, So Now It Just Looks Hilarious.
We Took It In Turns To Hold It Out Of The Window And Shout Insults At People Walking About.
The Best Was 'HEY FUCK YOU, YOU TART', Uttered By Jonesy.

But, The Best Was Yet To Come.

Pete And Sam Challenged Me And Jamie To See If We Could Punch A Balloon At The Same Time To Make It Burst.
WE DID IT, FIRST TIME.
And They Apparently Took Ages To Do It, And Just Punched Each Other's Hands A Load.
Man Point As.

THEN The Real Fun Started.
We Started With Waterbombs, Just Trying To Freak People Out And Wet Them A Little Bit.
We Soon Ran Out Of Waterbombs, And Started To Just Fill Everything We Could Find With Water And Lob It At People.

Our Best Finds Were:
- An Empty Bag Of Doritos
- Plastic Cups
- Houmous Pots
And The Piece De Resistance, BIN LINERS.

Now, These Bin Liners.
What Can I Say?
Sam Had The Ingenious Idea Of Putting A Bit Of Fairy Liquid In Them.
And About Two Litres Of Water In Each One.
FOAM.

Now, Foam Fucks You Up Far More Than Water - Water You Go 'Oh Man, I'm Wet. I'll Put These Clothes On The Radiator When I Get In.'
Foam, However...
I Cannot Even Begin To Contemplate The Thought Process, Except For That It Probably Starts With 'Whoever Just Covered Me In Foam Is A Fucking Cunt.'

We Got So Many People So Mad.
It Was Fucking Legendary.
We Turned All The Lights Out So They Couldn't See Us Pissing Ourselves At Them.
One Guy Just Started Screaming 'You Guys Are Bellends Man, I Can't Believe This, How Fucking Childish!'
Damn Right It Was Childish.
Childish And GENIUS.

Oh And Also We Broke Up A Fight.
This Guy's Wife Fell Over In The Street, So He Grabbed Her Wrist To Pull Her Up.
Three Guys In Suits Misread It As Him Beating His Wife.
They Were Kicking The Shit Out Of Him, And His Wife Was Just Crying.
It Was Horrible.
Simon Legged It Down, And As Soon As We Saw Him Out The Window We All Legged It After Him.
We Got There Just In Time To See This Guy Getting Kicked In The Legs And Falling Down, His Face Bleeding, Ironically As Though His Life Depended On It.
They Saw Us, And How Scary We Looked (Obviously) And Let Go Of Him.
Jamie Ran Up And Was All 'Look Come On, We Saw It All From The Window, He Was Helping Her Up.'
Some Guy In A Suit Was Like 'OI AM I THE ONLY ONE WHO'S GONNA HIT THIS CHAP FOR BEATING HIS FUCKING WIFE? I NEED A CIGARETTE.'
Obviously, He Just Wanted A Fag.
Wanting To Appear Righteous When You're Mindlessly Vandalising Someone's Body Is In My Top Ten Of Bad Things To Do.

I Passed Out On The Floor And Woke Up About 11 With A 'Happy Birthda' (No 'Y' Intended) Sign Over Me Like A Blanket.

Rad Night.

Party On.

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